TRUTH AND BEAUTY BOMBS.

i dream.
i dream of good things and bad things.

lately i have been working on my breathing before i go to bed.
i turn off all the lights and sit on the edge of my bed.
inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. repeat, repeat.
my heart starts slowing down and i try to let all the bad thoughts
that have slowly built up in my brain over the day slip out through my ears.
i lay down on top of the covers, inhale, exhale.
i roll over onto my side and slowly slip under the blankets.
inhale, exhale, repeat, repeat.

the breathing technics are not successful and i become very
aware of the dream i am in. the dream where you are still with us, and in the dream i think it's real, but somewhere in my mind i can hear myself screaming not to believe it to remember that it isn't real and that in a few minutes i am going to wake up in a cold sweat feeling worse than ever.

i know i am sitting
but i feel like i'm floating.

i can feel the weight of my body in this chair
but i feel detached from it,
detached like everything else around me.

Alone With Everybody

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

i was apparently kicking a lot in my sleep and woke up
with bruised legs.i wish i could remember what i saw,
but it's probably better that i don't.

being alone is the worst right now.
i am trying to keep my body and mind busy by running place to place
and not sitting still for long.

i am so grateful for all of my friends, my parents, my friends parents and everyone around me
the past couple of days. it's sad that this is the situation that has brought as all closer, but none the less i am glad for the friendship.

" The only problem is that
there isn't one, for once."

I feel like we spend so much time creating problems for ourselves.
Making up stories in our mind about the things going on around us,
making everything out to be much worse than it is.
I can't speak for anyone else, but i know i do it.

Today i passed out onto the floor in front of a group of people, it was disarming. Now my limbs feel like they are working against each other, against me. My head feels so heavy. From the top of my scalp to the bottom of my chin, one big brick resting it's heavy self on my fragile neck. My neck feeling like it could break under the pressure and fall in a million little pieces down to my feet that i can no longer feel. My feet seem to be asleep but it's not the kind of feeling i can shake.

It seems like everyone has some goddamn excuse for everything.

1. i'm broke
2. i just don't care
3. i'm sick
4. fuck it

Those are my typical excuses.
i'm not pointing fingers or even upset at this point.
i'm worn down/out and weary. i want things to change for the better.. for everyone included.

This happens every autumn since I can begin to remember.

I want to run away. I literally want to get into my car and drive away, anywhere, as long as it's far away and i don't have to ever come back if i don't want to. I know i've taken a lot for granted in the past and spent not nearly enough time with the people who truly care. I have a lot I want to say / get off my chest about this town. Now  I'm not trying to say "shepherdstown is the worst" but the more people tell me i'm going to get "stuck here" just like everyone else the more i want out. It's not the same town i met four years ago, or the one i loved two years ago, or even the one i excepted last year. I haven't been around as much lately and it's been like breathing after holding your breath for too long. It's just there is no one here i can really talk to, i mean, the people i love still stop and say hi but they don't really have the time anymore, i guess.. and the people i wanted to talk to for so long finally speak to me and it just doesn't sound the way i thought it would.

I'm learning to stay positive and make my own happiness. If you think you need someone else to make you happy  you'll never get it. You are golden by yourself alone.

words cannot describe

i could sit here and wine about all the people that have hurt me/continue to bring me down in this town
but honestly what is the point? I'm trying to move on from here and work towards something better.
i am so good at dwelling in my own self pity but i am smart enough to know that it does me no good.



Lately:


Eamon and I ordered this on a whim..
I don't care what anyone has to say, i'm pretty stoked.



So good.

New favorite show.
spent all day yesterday catching up on new episodes.



I want to spend more time out of town, save more money, see Kristin Sauve, get a gym membership again, seriously quit smoking cigarettes, work harder at the couple classes i'm taking, and keep my chin up.
 

okay, woke up and ate a spoonfull of nutella
that was on your bedside table.
going to find a coffee shop in this town.
i will write an essay and get some caffeine
pumping through me before i drive four or five hours
by myself to the beach.

going to buy a disposable camera
so i can remember every second of this.

hi ang,
i know you are the one person that can actually see me falling apart here.
thanks for sending Jay in yesterday.
i think it will be just what i need. i hope?
there is so much i could say, but i've never been good with words.
i'm stopping by today.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

maybe starting over isn't as bad as i think it is.
i really wanted to reply to your message before i deleted myself from that part of the internet,
but i just couldn't find the words to explain. i could drive past your house with my windows down, music blaring.
i could wave, and maybe then you'd understand.
(it's fall. it is what it is and we take what it gives us.)

eighteen has meant not going to bed until the sun comes up and little sleep happening and shaking when i wake up. realizing who is here for me these days and who isn't. i'm more lucky than you think. thank you's are in order for a few people in this town and a fuck you to even more.

i'm here and warm and listening. tonight is going to be quiet. the windows are open and i don't think we can even move our limbs at this point, atleast i know i can't.



where does one go from here?

clean for four days.
felt alive for three.

back to reality.
killing myself slowly in this town.

seriously. this birthday is going to feel like death too.

yesterday sent me into a strange downward spiral of sorts.
i just want to get away, or stay, yet be beyond it all.

once i start it there is no going back.. and then i don't
remember how far i have gone and there is no one to leave bread crumbs for me
and i walk around scared running to my safety net.. if thats what you can call it.


" the one thing you can always count on is waking up in the morning
that won't change and things will go on."

i want to cut off all my hair and throw out all
my personal belongings. i want to be unrecognizable.

i find my way into your arms at night or maybe your arms find their way around my body
either way it's the best feeling there ever was.
i want to run and run and run, and i will. we will.
maybe it will be just what we've always been looking for.
control? that's it, but we are going to win this time.
and instead of it being one big mess it will be a triumph!

running through the finish line
waving our arms hearing cheers from all directions.
Heavy breathing and achy limbs will be our new high.

here goes something!

remember this and the feeling of being ' loved ' ?
remember when we were on top of it all ?

i am going to start running and just not stop until i can't feel
any of my limbs anymore and then i will look up to see where i am,
i will read the tree limbs like street signs.
maybe get on all fours and crawl back through the woods turning over
logs hoping to find some new friends, new life, new anything really.

i am itching so hard to get out
of this skin, the same skin i once worked
so hard to grow into.

i blame everything on you.
and i mean truly, i really do for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life.
it all points straight back to you, and i've tried to deny that for so long,
make up reasons in my head to blame myself, to pretend like it's always my fault somehow..
it's not, it's not, it's not.
you make me sick and crazy you know that?

i'm going to do anything to get out of your house.